My Breastfeeding Journey

THE ZAMP CAMP
Jan 4, 2021
9 min read

Updated: Jan 5, 2021

I often get asked about my stance on breastfeeding by new moms. I first and foremost need to say I am 100% for breastfeeding and feel that as a society we need to normalize it as it is a beautiful thing and something that should be celebrated and never looked down on as anything less than beautiful. With that being said, I also want to talk about another side of it and that is our breastfeeding journey may not always be the one we originally chose. I always pictured myself having the beautiful bonding moment that you see in the picture above but unfortunately, this is not a picture of me and my child. Looking back on it now, I wish I took more photos with my kids when they were younger but my insecurities stood in the way. So please, make sure to get in photos with your kids.

With each of my pregnancies, I had all intention of breastfeeding each of them but unfortunately, things don't always go as planned. Let me start with Brayden, my firstborn. Finding out I was pregnant for the first time was so exciting for me since at one point in time doctors mentioned that I may not be able to have children. I wanted to do everything by the book. I imagined the perfect pregnancy, the perfect labor, the perfect newborn, the perfect breastfeeding journey. Well, that idea of perfection went out of the window rather quickly when I would spend most of my time hugging a toilet bowl. I did not have the perfect pregnancy in fact I hated being pregnant because of the constant sluggishness and the feeling of sickness overtaking my body. But alas, this is about my breastfeeding journey and not my pregnancy journey. So anyway, fast forward 9 months to Brayden being born. I ended up getting some kind of infection during labor and Brayden ended up getting a fever. The lactation consultant came in to teach me how to latch Brayden but he refused. No matter how hard I tried he just wouldn't latch. I was told by so many others that I was doing things wrong and to keep with it and it was my fault. Little did I know that a nurse without my permission in the hospital gave him a bottle of formula. I am not saying this was to blame but it most likely did not help. So as a tired and exhausted first-time mother, I felt the first real signs of the dreaded mom guilt. Why was my body not doing what it is supposed to? Why won't my child just latch? Why was I failing at my new role as a mother?

I decided I still wanted my son to have all the benefits of breastfeeding even if he wasn't getting them from actual breastfeeding. I decided I was going to pump. With each drop of breastmilk entering those little freezable bags, I felt myself failing. I would pump and cry. It would take me forever to just get enough milk to somewhat fill up a bottle and to that extent made me also feel like a failure. I felt utterly defeated but at the same time determined to be the best mom that I could be. I proceeded to exclusively pump for 8 months until I eventually lost my milk altogether. The comments I received from others were crazy and made me feel like absolute dog shit. I was made to feel like the worst mom ever because I lost my milk. After spending half my time pumping to make sure he still got breastmilk to always try to get him to latch but always being refused I was still made to feel less than by myself and others. Even people in the medical field made me feel that I was wrong. Instead of helping me achieve my breastfeeding goals they just tore me down.

Now, let us fast forward to my breastfeeding journey with little Tony. He was actually my biggest baby being born at 8.3 pounds 20.5 inches. Besides a jaundice issue, he was an overall healthy baby or so we thought. After what happened with Brayden, I was determined to be successful in breastfeeding Tony. I again had visions of beautiful bonding moments with him but again this is not how things went. Things started looking like they were going to be successful because OMG HE LATCHED! I was ecstatic and felt like I was actually doing something right for once. He was a very fussy baby but he was eating. I was doing it!

At the time, we were living with my in-laws and my husband was in a touring band so he was away a lot. I was exhausted with a colicky newborn and a playful toddler. I remember the feeling of exhaustion and defeat setting in and going to my mother in law crying saying I couldn't do it anymore. A feeling so many of us mothers get in our hours of exhaustion. We are human after all. Anyway, I just had my mother's intuition that something was going on. Every time little Tony ate he would projectile spit-up. He was hardly getting anything in and losing weight rapidly. We brought him to the pediatrician and it was discovered that he had severe reflux.

My sweet little boy was malnourished and not gaining weight. My milk which we are taught to believe is the savor for all was making my baby sick. Lay on the mom guilt again. The feelings of failure took over me again. I talked about the best approach with his pediatrician and we decided to start by changing my diet to see if that helps. It did not. But now looking back on it I was a bit greedy and after my experience with Brayden, I wasn't ready to give up. I pleaded with the pediatrician that there had to be something else we could do. She suggested we mix my breastmilk with either cereal or formula in hopes that he could keep some down and start gaining weight. So, we started doing that. He was still fussy and still spitting up. He couldn't sleep laying down and spent many nights having to be propped up sleeping in his car seat just to ensure he wouldn't choke on his spit-up. I was again defeated, depressed, and scared. I stupidly took to Facebook and mom groups for advice. The judgments I received were absolutely horrendous. I already felt like a piece of shit but trust me they made me feel lower than low. I was come at for not continuing to exclusively breastfeed even though he kept losing weight, scolded for giving him cereal, tormented for giving him any kind of formula.

After trying every avenue I could and ignoring my own inner struggles and the judgment of others I once again pleaded with our pediatrician. It was time to give up my breastfeeding journey with Tony. We made it about 6 months before I came to the acceptance that I had another failed attempt on my hands. We tried a few different specialty formulas before coming across Neocate which was actually a prescription formula because his reflux got so bad. I swear to you it was like night and day. He started to gain weight and become happy. The spit-up didn't fully go away and trust me when I tell you this formula stunk (landing him the nickname stinky for a bit) but for the first time in about 6 months, my child was happy. His personality started to shine through. He was fed, he was happy, he was healthy.

Fast forward 5 years, I was given another chance for a successful breastfeeding journey. I was older, I was wiser, I was more prepared. Or so I thought. I wanted my last and final breastfeeding journey (I got my tubes tied after having Sydney) to be successful so I Googled ways to be successful, I talked to moms who were successful, I spoke to lactation consultants, etc.

As with my previous breastfeeding journeys, this one also did not go as planned. The structure in hospitals changed since having Little Tony. They give mothers little time to rest and want the newborn in the room with them as much as possible. I remember waking up from my surgery of getting my tubes tied to being in an empty room with Sydney in one of those plastic bassinets crying right next to me. I had no idea what was going on and was in a fog in an empty room by myself with a screaming newborn. I tried to wake myself up enough to put her on my breast to attempt feeding her for the first time. In a haze and to my amazement she latched. Was this the one? Would this be my successful final journey?

The lactation consultant came in and for the first time and the third child addressed that I may have a harder time breastfeeding due to having an inverted nipple. I of course, always knew I had one but never even thought of it being an issue in my breastfeeding journeys. Me, being the person I am went back to those feelings of guilt. The feelings of why is my body not prepared to nourish my children. Why can't I just get this right? Anyway, with the help of the lactation consultant, I was able to feed Syd while in the hospital and I was ecstatic.

That all changed when we got home. Syd ended up having a bad case of jaundice and for a short time as we called her, she became our little glow worm. She would have to spend the majority of her day getting light therapy. This made her fussy and she refused to latch. I kept trying and trying but she just refused. I wanted to make sure she received nourishments because it is said that breastmilk can also help with jaundice so I pumped and she drank from a bottle. As the weeks passed, she refused to latch so I began my breastfeeding pumping journey yet again. She also developed reflux, although her case wasn't as bad as little Tony's I still ended up having to do the trial and error of changing my diet and supplementing. She was able to withstand some of my milk as long as it was mixed with something else.

When it came time to go back to work it became tough to pump. My job at the time was not very accommodating with my need to pump which eventually led me to lose my milk. I remember coming home after working long days and immediately trying to pump. I felt myself falling into postpartum because I knew this was my absolute last chance to succeed. I would try to force anything out of my body to the point where my nipples would start to bleed. I wasn't ready to give up. I wasn't ready to stop. I tried everything to produce more milk whether it was lactation tea, cookies, pumping for hours, to no avail. I would wake up in the middle of the night and try to get Syd to latch in hopes my body would recognize the need to produce more to nourish my sweet baby but it was a failure. I once again failed at my journey. I once again believed I was a shit mom. I remember losing my milk completely with her around 7 months or so. I would try every so often to try and get her to latch in the months leading up to her first birthday. I remember sitting in the rocking chair holding her trying to get her to latch and crying asking my body why it doesn't do what it is supposed to do? Why couldn't I be successful with any of my kids? These are feelings I also felt ashamed of and haven't talked much about until now.

I do want to fast forward to now. My breastfeeding journeys did not go as planned and that is okay. We all have these ideas in our heads of what we want a certain thing to be and sometimes they just don't go that way. I for years carried the guilt and the weight of failing. But to be honest, I did everything I possibly could to be successful. I am sure some reading this will still look at my journey as failures but I am choosing to look at it from another perspective. I am looking at it as a mom who did everything she possibly could to be successful. I do believe that breastfeeding is so important and such a beautiful thing but we should never judge someone on how their journey goes. We all have a journey to go on that is our own and is beautiful. So for anyone still reading this, whether you were successful or not embrace it. You are amazing. You did all you can, and your journey is yours, and your journey is beautiful. I ended up having 3 happy and healthy children and at the end of the day that is most important. Also, breastfeeding is hard. We need to support mothers and their journeys instead of judging them and tearing them down for it. Condescending advice does not help. Give words of encouragement and embrace their amazingness because with all the hormones they are having they need as much extra love as their newborns do.